‘Can’t make it, I’m parenting’: How work life changes for mothers
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
I’m currently living my second worklife.
Or, at least, that’s how I like to think about it. In my first worklife I was a full-time, carefree, career-oriented woman who had no major family commitments. I could work long hours, go out with colleagues for long lunches and improvised after-work drinks.
I knew all the gossip. I was up to date with my colleagues and the big stuff happening in their lives. I really felt I belonged. Work was like a second home.
Things are very different now. Now, I can barely cope with my home-home, let alone a second-home.
My second worklife started when I returned to work after having a child. I cut my hours in half to be able to have ‘the best of both worlds’: work while being present for my daughter. I’m still happy with that decision – but I know there is a cost (any decision comes at a cost).
Now, in my second worklife, I have no time to ‘waste’ on long coffee breaks. I never join for lunches or after-work drinks.
Why? Mostly because I have to rush off to get home on time for the school van. Sometimes, it’s a matter of energy conservation: avoiding anything ‘extra’ to keep my limited energy supply to be used where it is indispensable. Now, I barely know what’s happening in the lives of my lovely colleagues. I still love my job, but I don’t feel that same strong sense of belonging I felt in the past. It’s different.
This is the cycle of parent worklife, I guess. I was very aware of the changes I experienced but, until recently, I did not realise this was ‘a thing’.
“Employees with children have to make calculated decisions about who they interact with, and when, in order to both produce high-quality work and make time for caregiving” - HBR
What happened recently is that I came across an article in the Harvard Business Review based on the research ‘Devoted but disconnected: Managing role conflict through interactional control’ carried out by Vanessa M. Conzon and Ruthanne Huising.
They interviewed and observed 72 workers from three companies: a pharmaceutical company, a professional services organisation, and a university. They found that a subset — specifically, the workers with young children who were the primary caregiving parent or shared this role with their spouse — felt short on time.
And guess what? Most were women.
Women are still carrying the bulk of the caring role
This ties in with the recent findings published in research conducted by Professors Anna Borg and Liberato Camilleri and commissioned by the National Commission for the Promotion of Equality. The Malta-based research explored the ‘Perceptions and attitudes of women and men in Malta towards work-life balance: with a specific focus on family size’.
The findings show a stark divide in domestic responsibilities. While just under 47 per cent of women said they performed most of the childcare duties, just one per cent of men reported taking on the primary role.
Research has long been showing that women still take on the bulk of the caring role. And now, with time, we are seeing the many ripple effects of this culture. Apart from gender pay gaps and pension penalties, the HBR research sheds light on new ‘repercussions’ faced by parents - both mums and dads. It’s a struggle fuelled by the mad race against time many parents live daily.
As summarised by the HBR, this research proved what we see around us – whenever parents have to rush off to pick up kids from school, shuttle them to an extracurricular activity, sit with them to do their homework, and simply be with their children.
“Perhaps the starting point might be simply acknowledging that spending time building relationships with colleagues is part of being at work. This applies to both the working parents and their employers.”
The HBR article said that “employees with children have to make calculated decisions about who they interact with, and when, in order to both produce high-quality work and make time for caregiving. Research shows they tend to do this by avoiding interactions, like turning down invites to lunch... organizing interactions strategically by booking meetings back-to-back so that they can promptly end an earlier meeting; and focusing interactions by coming to meetings with set agendas and redirecting conversation from talk of non-work activities.”
The truth is that, the only way to survive the day is to plan, deliver and get on with it. No room for anything extra.
The research goes on to say that while these strategies work, they can come at a cost: “some parents do not feel they have many close friends at work, do not feel a sense of belonging, and are out of the loop on workplace gossip. This can have professional and team ramifications, which both managers and parents can remedy in different ways.”
The article goes on to make recommendations such as suggesting that parents make an effort to integrate with colleagues even if it means scheduling lunches or coffee beforehand. It suggests that dads pull more of the weight and that employers factor in these realities when organising work events.
Parenting comes with many great rewards. Most parents are happy to be there for their children even if this means giving up on some stuff. But I know for a fact – from experience and by speaking to other parents – that many miss being able to connect with colleagues.
So it really is a pity to miss out on this if something can be done to change this - perhaps the starting point might be simply acknowledging that spending time building relationships with colleagues is part of being at work. This applies to both the working parents and their employers.
What are your views?
What are your thoughts? What did you think about this article? Is there a topic you feel passionate about and would like to talk about?
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