From grief to growth: How writing about my mother’s suicide helped me heal
Mary Mallia
Mary Mallia was 25 years old when her mother died by suicide on December 20, 1993. Now, over 30 years later, she launched a book about her experience, to help others who lived through such an experience and offer hope. In this article, Mary shares the journey it took her to heal and write the book ‘Liberation at Last: Love after Death’, the first of a trilogy.
Hi, I'm Mary the author of Liberation at Last a philosophical fiction/magical realism story inspired by my mother's suicide 30 odd years ago. I have loved writing stories since little, but started keeping a journal of my inner dialogue, thoughts, ideas and experiences at the age of 16.
In my chaotic childhood and adolescent years, writing kept me sane, for want of a better word. The idea came from my spiritual teacher at the time, who had suggested I keep a log of the inner musings of my mind, heart and soul. And so I did.
After mum died I tried to tell her story, many times, but with not much success. It was after a night out dancing, and in the early hours, that I sat in front of my PC and the story flowed right through me. It expressed my raw pain and grief – I wrote it as it came – uncensored.
I didn't sell many copies, but tried to distribute as many as I could, believing the book had the potential to help people who had lost someone they love through suicide or were grieving in some shape or form. Feedback varied between something like: “yes, it's very inspiring, or extremely helpful” to “it's too dark and intense, I can't go there!” The writing of it was cathartic and very healing.
Re-writing my story
Some 10 years later I started to make some changes and re-released the book as an epub on Amazon. Furthermore, last year I went on a 16-week digital marketing course (Digital Bootcamp in Reading, UK) which made me realise that there is a story that needs to be retold and re-shared, being a rough diamond which needed polishing.
“In my chaotic childhood and adolescent years, writing kept me sane, for want of a better word…”
To begin with, there was a lot of reluctance (probably from my ego) – the first edition got to the people who needed it, I told myself and the buck should stop there. I was torn between wanting the story to be out there, available to many more people - and hiding behind a computer screen thinking it's not good enough and too personal.
These were dark moments of almost redefining and reshaping what I want in life and who I am as a writer and as a woman. In these dark moments the seeds for Liberation at Last, the second edition, were being sown.
The course finished on the 15th of August 2024, the feast of Santa Maria, and after that I decided that I would re-release it with the new cover that one of my friends and fellow students from the course had kindly designed for me.
I was going to get it printed. I found a small local printing press (as I'm trying hard to support small local businesses rather than big corporations) – Biddles, and got the ball rolling. However, I found two typos and after consulting with my eldest son I decided that I would proof-read the whole manuscript.
This opened a can of worms! It turns out that the two typos got me re-evaluating the whole book. I worked relentlessly between August and December to update the manuscript with as much truth as I could – truths that came to light since the last edition had been published. The book is told from three different perspectives: mine, mum's and the narrator's and all three needed updating.
Choosing to heal
The change in my perspective from 10 years ago is due to the healing journey I went on. I qualified as a Yoga and meditation teacher and therapist (through the British Wheel of Yoga 2008-2011) and a bit like the wounded healer, I healed whilst being healed. I found it to be a life-saver and I firmly believe that - had my mother and the many others who suffer from depression, obsessive/intrusive thoughts, or are bipolar and struggle with mental health issues been privy to these simple physical and mental techniques - so much grief could be spared.
“The search has been relentless. I have seen what not taking care of one's own mental health can lead to, and vowed I would never, ever, allow that to happen to me.”
I taught and practised, walking the walk and talking the talk daily and sometimes many times a day, until this very day. It is a commitment I take very seriously and although my practice has changed over the years, I still practise many times a day.
I also found Ayurvedic therapies helped and explored many other healing modalities over the years since the age of 16. The search has been relentless. I have seen what not taking care of one's own mental health can lead to, and vowed I would never, ever, allow that to happen to me. I have been on the brink of despair quite a few times over the course of my life, but I always managed to find a way out.
“I've also always been very strict with my work-life balance, as mum's suicide showed me that life is fickle and so is mental health and once it goes, it is very hard to restore.”
I make sure I make time to do the things I love in life like dancing, walking, sun-bathing, cooking, baking, socialising, being on my own and writing, of course. I've also always been very strict with my work-life balance, as mum's suicide showed me that life is fickle and so is mental health and once it goes, it is very hard to restore. No truer words were ever spoken regarding health and mental health in particular than prevention is better than cure.
Photo by Kristina Cachia
I would say to anyone now, in time – in this realm – there is always a solution, you just have to find it. Living the truth as in “pray and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened... for those who pray always receive, those who seek always find, and to those who knock it shall always be opened”, changed my faith into an inner knowing.
I was determined, that no matter what, I was not going to go down the same route as my mum. At times I was very scared, as we are so similar and very alike.
So no matter what, I would embrace life, and all that is beautiful about me and about the world as I saw what being negative and negating the beauty that lies within and without can do! I was determined to be grateful for life, no matter what it threw at me, and respond with gratitude. During moments of deep despair, which visited every so often like a long lost friend, I managed to find the strength to bounce back, building resilience like a muscle which is built through sheer and utter determination.
Time and faith
Over the years I discovered myself more and was able to know who I am, not in terms of her (my mother), but in terms of my own being – my own strengths and shadows, my own likes and dislikes, my own talents and my own beliefs. It took time.
Healing takes time. There is no quick fix. Nowadays because everything is instant, we lose patience quite easily – but, we mustn't. We are our own biggest project and should be our own highest priority. I saw what it does, when we don't make time for ourselves, when we don't take time out, when we allow ourselves to burn-out and promised myself I would not let that ever happen to me.
“Watching mum struggle with her mental health taught me all the things I should or shouldn't do – I learnt the hard way, but now I hope that others can learn from my experience…”
Watching mum struggle with her mental health taught me all the things I should or shouldn't do – I learnt the hard way, but now I hope that others can learn from my experience so that what I learnt, and the wisdom I have amassed can be shared with others and doesn't go to waste.
It's taken me 30 years to come to a place where I feel confident sharing this in public. But, I have a feeling that now, that I've found my voice, people are going to struggle to shut me up! Were my days in hiding a bit like the seed in the ground, being nourished by the dark damp soil underground? And now the seed is sprouting and bearing fruit.
I am a firm believer in the right time. Perhaps, things don't happen because it's not the right time! When healing, time is a great gift. I've found that the right people were always sent to me at the right time, and what I needed always came, at the right time. Perhaps, divine rather than human timing!
“Healing takes time. There is no quick fix. Nowadays because everything is instant, we lose patience quite easily – but, we mustn't.”
Faith is a great thing. Its importance is undermined in today's day and age. It doesn't matter what your concept of a higher Being is... or whether you call it God, the Universe, Source, Love, Spirit, whatever... “Anything is possible for him/her who believes.” When stating my wishes, I always add that “as long as it's for my highest good and the highest good of all humanity” and then surrender the outcome into the bosom of sacred Love divine.
And it seems that in this way I co-create with all that is sacred and divine, my reality as it is. It may not necessarily be what I want, but it definitely will be what I need to grow in love, courage, resilience and become the best version of the Mary divinity dreamt I be.
Learn more by visiting Mary’s website, where you can also learn about her poetry, or find her on Facebook page. Get hold of ‘Liberation at Last’ on Amazon or from BDL Books.
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