Learning to let go
Photo by Jornada Produtora on Unsplash
When I became a mother, one of the first things my sister told me was that motherhood is a process of letting go. Back then, as I held my little baby close (for every second of the day, may I add) I did not truly understand what this really meant.
As the years passed and my baby became a toddler and then a lovely little girl - it became clearer and clearer. On so many levels.
In the beginning, when my daughter was a baby, I had full control - everything she did, every word she learnt, every song, sound scratch and bruise - I knew exactly what it meant and where it came from. She either got it from me or my husband, or from grandparents or aunts and uncles.
Then she started going to daycare. She cried. I cried more. I was literally letting go in the harshest form - peeling her off me so she could go to school and I could go to work.
Suddenly she started coming home with words and songs that did not originate from me or close family. As she role played at home I got a glimpse of what her day may have been like. That’s when it hit me: There is a world out there and my child will be in it - without me.
Time passed. I got used to the idea, sort of.
Letting go of fear
Parallel to this was the letting go of fear. The constant worry that she will hurt, get an infection, or get bitten by a mosquito. I remember, in the beginning, whenever she dropped something on her or got dirty I would whip out the wipes or a change of clothes in a flash. If the pavement she was walking on was uneven I would walk behind her with my arms ready to catch her in case she tripped. If we were outdoors in summer, I turned into an anti-mosquito body guard. Looking back, I must admit I laugh at myself.
“Since then my daughter has fallen many times, dropped all sorts of stuff on her and been bitten my a gazillion mosquitoes… and she has the memories to go with those experiences that do not include memories of an anxious mum.”
With time I learnt how to relax and let go - with the guidance of other mummies. Since then my daughter has fallen many times, dropped all sorts of stuff on her and been bitten my a gazillion mosquitoes… and she has the memories to go with those experiences that do not include memories of an anxious mum.
But then came other levels of “letting go”.
My child is not me
Like letting go of the unrealistic notion that my child is like me. I had to open my eyes to the reality that she is an individual in her own right and she is different to me. She does not always like what I like or behave the way I would. This is something I am still learning to handle. I have spoken to many parents about this and I know I’m not alone. It’s not an easy one. But I have to remind myself that just like I am different from my parents, my daughter has the right to be her own person - and as her parent I must respect and embrace it.
I know there is going to be a lot more of letting go that still has to happen. I know that the day will come when I am pushed away. Already, she sometimes utters the word “mummy, I don’t need you” when I try to help her tie her laces or put up her hair. Of course, at the moment, this is majorly counterbalanced with all the “mummy-come-I-need-you” calls…. phew!
This is just the beginning. I hope I will be wise enough to know when I need to let go, or if I should cling on. I guess, this will be the subject of future posts.