Miscarriage matters – Voices of women who experienced a pregnancy loss. Part 1.
Photo by Dmitry Schemelev on Unsplash
Malta does not offer any form of special leave to the 300 women who suffer a pregnancy loss each year. The government is currently looking into introducing paid miscarriage leave. We recently heard fertility counsellor Danielle Scerri Azzopardi talk about how this leave is essential. Now let’s hear from some women who lived it. This is the first of a two-part article. The women in this part did not wish to be named.
“I wished to hide and not exist”
One occurred in August 2023 and the other in December 2024. Both pregnancies were around 10 weeks.
Of course, when something like this happens, your body goes haywire. No one prepares you for what happens during a miscarriage. Guidance and information from Mater Dei Hospital was extremely limited, nearly non-existent.
The physical pain is excruciating, especially in my case, when I delivered both at home with no pain killers etc, since they were both a missed miscarriage.
Apart from that, following my first pregnancy it took nearly a year to get back to normal physically. Emotionally and psychologically, the grief is huge and you never come to terms with it. Even though they were both very early in the pregnancy, I am still a mother, and no parent should outlive their children.
“First of all, the body needs to recover, it’s not a walk in the park, you still go through labour, and still give birth. The difference is the size and, in my case, a dead baby, sadly.”
More information about what was about to happen to me would have helped and, if hospital admission is required, please not where people are awaiting to deliver children. A special place needs to be created. It’s extremely painful going for an ultrasound, and seeing a mother holding her newborn baby whilst you are confirming that no heartbeat is being detected.
Of course following that, follow-ups would be greatly beneficial... More and appropriate support is required.
“It’s extremely painful going for an ultrasound, and seeing a mother holding her newborn baby whilst you are confirming that no heartbeat is being detected.”
Going back to work was a nightmare, even though I was offered to take my time from my sick leave entitlement, I was still constantly bombarded so I only availed of a couple of days. Going back and hearing about children, meeting pregnant women, some maybe in your own team, etc. is devastating. Honestly, I wished to hide and not exist, (still do unfortunately).
Miscarriage leave? Yes definitely. First of all, the body needs to recover, it’s not a walk in the park, you still go through labour, and still give birth. The difference is the size and, in my case, a dead baby, sadly. Apart from that, work can be a form of escapism where, in order to not tackle the loss and grief, you bury yourself in work. Happened to me. And one cannot forget the emotional and psychological state, where you will be living like a robot, doing things that need to be done because you need to do them. Nothing really matters when you are grieving the loss of a child.
“You are never really the same after a miscarriage”
I miscarried twice at 10 and 14 weeks, respectively, after having three normal pregnancies without any issues. The first time I was emotionally broken and, physically, it was normal period cramps. I returned to work after a few days. Wanting to get back to routine. I used to cry continuously...
On the second miscarriage, during a D&C [Dilation and curettage is a procedure to remove tissue from inside your uterus], I was bleeding heavily and was opened up the same as a caesarean - so it ended up being a major operation, so in reality needed a long recovery. So every case is different.
“I returned to work after a few days. Wanting to get back to routine. I used to cry continuously...”
I guess there is so much about miscarriage that needs to be discussed. I feel we are still very closed about the topic as a country. You are never the same after a miscarriage. Only yesterday was the anniversary - 13 years from my last miscarriage.
And so many questions. I always say this is my favourite ‘what if’... I remember going to Rabat primary school on the first day my baby would have started school and going to church when it would have been the First Holy Communion. A lot of people can never understand your feelings, including immediate family such as my husband for one, as we grieve differently.
Fear of losing the motherhood dream
I'm currently undergoing IVF and I wish to retain my privacy. Since it is very common for women undergoing IVF to go through miscarriages, it is obvious that there is a greater need for miscarriage leave.
The Netflix film Pieces of a Woman describes what a woman goes through after losing a child during childbirth. I am glad that there is more awareness about losing children during this tough moment. However, a woman who lost a foetus in the womb can still be affected badly on a mental level as she would have lost the possibility of achieving her dream, that is, to hold a child in her hands.
“ A woman who lost a foetus in the womb can still be affected badly on a mental level as she would have lost the possibility of achieving her dream, that is, to hold a child in her hands.”
Women like me who are passing through IVF think about the possibility of having a child each day, and I'm sure that, if I lose a foetus, it would break me because I have invested my body, my finances, my time and energy into this. Physically I feel drained, not knowing if I will ever bear a child... So imagine if I had to undergo a miscarriage, it would devastate me!
Grief is a common feeling to feel during and after a miscarriage. The woman also has to deal with the idea of passing the dead foetus naturally instead of the hospital removing it from the woman's body… Imagine having a dead foetus inside you, and nobody wants to help you remove it. You have to deal with possible infections and trauma of still having it inside of you. This is an ordeal that a lot of women go through.
To be continued…
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