‘Mummy, can a boy marry a boy?’ How to talk to kids about different families
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“Mummy, can a girl marry a girl?” “Ma, how come my friend has two daddies?
These are the sort of questions that parents today need to answer much more than parents of the past.
Over the years, different family units have become more visible as Malta, and its people, opened their minds, hearts (and laws) to diversity and inclusion.
We have been hearing about the gradual increase of blended families, or step-families as they are known. While data is still not available, according to the 2021 population census there are some 323 same-sex couples with children and 24,000 single parents with children (some kids are above the age of 25).
While most people are open to different types of relationships and families, this is not always the case. We recently heard of a couple who were about to pull their children out of a government primary school after they discovered their son’s new teacher was gay. They eventually changed their mind, and explained how their perception was a matter of culture.
Past cultural norms and stereotypes can be powerful and remain ingrained under the skin of people who may genuinely think of themselves as inclusive, however, the words they use speak otherwise.
And no matter how well-meaning to support inclusion, some parents may still struggle to answer certain questions. The fear of using “the wrong word” - like the word “normal” - can be paralysing, as is the fear of giving off the wrong message to children.
But, in reality, when kids ask these questions, they offer a great opportunity to introduce them to the diversity of families in a way that is simple, loving, and age-appropriate.
Always answer kids’ questions
Ryan Portelli, a counsellor and educator, explains how to best approach these conversations. He starts by stressing that the most important thing to keep in mind is that, if a child asks a question, it means he or she is ready for the answer to it. Avoiding the answer would lead to children coming up with their own answer, which might not be the correct one - therefore creating more confusion in their understanding of the world.
“If a parent is taken by surprise and needs to buy time, there is nothing wrong in telling a child that you will get back to them soon but need some time to give them the correct answer to their question,” he says. Obviously, this means that you need to get back to it, and not use it as an excuse to make the child ‘forget’ the question.
Of course, the answer given by the parent has to be according to their age readiness. When it comes to questions that may crop up about subjects such as sexuality and gender identity, one safe answer is: everyone is different.
It’s about how you feel inside
But, he says, there is a fine line here: “We need to tell our children: ‘everyone is different and everything is okay. But this is not about what you choose. It’s about how you feel on the inside’. The message should not be that you choose your gender identity from an a la carte menu, but rather to put emphasis that whatever one feels they identify with is valid,” he says.
He often encountered parents with a dilemma on how to speak to their children about sexual identities and different families – such as gay couples - because, while they want to normalise it for their children, they do not want to confuse their children. “These parents are worried because they do not want to create questions within their children, where there are no questions,” he says.
“We need to tell our children: ‘everyone is different and everything is okay. But this is not about what you choose. It’s about how you feel on the inside’. The message should not be that you choose your gender identity from an a la carte menu, but rather to put emphasis that whatever one feels they identify with is valid.”
He adds that it helps if the adult takes time to discuss the topic with someone who can help them before speaking to children. This allows them to wrap their heads around any of their own internal biases and stereotypes and plan the correct wording.
“Wording can play a huge role. For example, telling a child that ‘we love and respect everyone’ but then saying that ‘some things are more normal than others', results in creating a ranking star system of certain families being better than others: like a five-star hotel versus a bed-and-breakfast.
“It fuels an ‘us’ and ‘them’ mentality that is ingrained in Malta’s island mentality. Teaching a child to accept and respect diversity begins with placing everyone on an equal level,” he says.
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