The big abandon. Shedding burdening expectations - yours and theirs
Photo by Bruce Christianson on Unsplash
We are living on the surface of life. We are not letting ourselves sink in.
In - where superficiality turns into lived experience.
Many of us are clinging to that surface layer. Why? I’m not sure. Could it be because we are too rushed - so we are skimming through the minutes, hours, days and years? Or maybe afraid of feeling too deeply?
What’s for sure is that we are missing out because that surface layer has few meaningful connections – that go beyond Facebook friends and likes.
But, the superficiality of this layer is leading some to feel so distanced from sentient people, that they dish out hurtful comments about them – masked by a screen and the distance it creates.
But, you know what? The recipient of those comments - hurts. Deep. Because they penetrate deep into the layers we don’t want to venture into – layers we are not learning to navigate because we are sticking to the surface.
And because of this, when hurtful words or experiences penetrate: we crumble.
I had a dream
Okay. You may be wondering what this is all about. Where is this coming from? Here it comes: Some months ago, I had a dream. I woke up feeling that that dream was important - but I could not remember it. All that survived from the dream are three words: The Big Abandon. Since then, I have been trying to unravel that dream and understand what it could mean. This is me trying to make sense of it.
After months of reflecting, asking friends and Googling, I have come to the conclusion that – in my humble views - there are two levels to The Big Abandon: a personal level and a broader more universal level.
Let me start with the personal one.
A personal choice
We might not realise this, but we weigh ourselves down with what we expect ourselves to look like, think, feel, achieve etc.
Let me give you an example. Recently I spoke about how I snapped. It came out of nowhere. I was feeling anxious – yes. I was trying to fit it all in and be patient. Then I snapped. At my daughter. I yelled at her – very loud. Very angry.
After that I still felt anxious – and also terribly guilty. But when I opened up with friends, they shared that they too experienced that. They spoke to me about the importance of sitting with those feelings to try to understand them - to address the root problem. They reminded me that I am human and that, sometimes, I snap like everyone else. It was okay for my daughter to see it, so long as we spoke after – which we did. I apologised.
“Could it mean letting go of what we think we should be feeling and how we think we should be thinking and behaving and doing etc… and just allowing ourselves to be human with all its imperfections?”
What I’m saying is that - could it be that The Big Abandon is about opening our eyes to what is really important, what really matters? About realising that we are human? Could it be about letting go – abandoning – expectations of ‘perfection’ (whatever that means)?
So, could it mean letting go of what we think we should be feeling and how we think we should be thinking and behaving and doing etc… and just allowing ourselves to be human with all its imperfections?
Where did this come from anyway? Who told us we are never allowed to mess up? To change our moods? Our minds? Our paths?
When were these all set in stone?
A collective effort
Then there is the wider aspect.
I often notice people, especially the younger generation, so absorbed in social media, living inside their phones in a fake, perfect world as opposed to in the real world. The worrying part is that they are not gaining the skills to live in this world that is not perfect.
They expect their reflection in the mirror to look like what they see through their phone filter. But that’s not real. That’s not them.
I know that this is much easier said while looking at life from the mid-40s lens – as opposed to from the perspective of a young person immersed in their reality – but we need to all do something.
“They expect their reflection in the mirror to look like what they see through their phone filter. But that’s not real. That’s not them.”
We need to agree to – and get together - to abandon expectations that weigh us down as women, people, mothers, daughters and then…
Then we need to abandon the need to emit a false truth about who we are. And abandon the need to crave to be that, and expect others to.
We need to let go of the surface. To allow ourselves to sink in: to find and embrace the multi-layers of ourselves, the complexities of life and allow ourselves to make safe, meaningful connections that enrich us.
Being more immersed means caring more. Connecting more. Feeling more.
It means butting an eye when hearing about injustices faced by others, because they too are real people.
Would it be too much? No. Because if we learn that life has its light and dark moments – and that it’s okay to feel bad and talk about it - we will learn to navigate in the dark, as opposed to being completely unprepared when the slightest thing goes wrong.
“We need to let go. Unshackle ourselves from false realities and help others do the same. We need to collectively agree to stop accepting those false realities and demand honesty and truth. Demand a world free of meaningless noise.”
No. We are not meant to be happy all the time. Perfectly groomed all the time. Liked or loved by everyone all the time.
Sad things happen. People get angry. People age. We all get our off days and we argue with loved ones.
It’s okay. It’s normal. It’s reality. Just like the good times, happy moments and all the positive things.
We can do our best to be good and kind to others and live peacefully. We can thrive and grow. But we can also fail, fall hard and struggle to stand back up. But it’s okay. Because in a world where people have real friends – someone will be there for us.
Someone will care.
But first we need to let go. Unshackle ourselves from false realities and help others do the same. We need to collectively agree to stop accepting those false realities and demand honesty and truth. Demand a world free of meaningless noise.
This will allow us, and our children, to take a big sigh of relief and live a fuller more authentic life: free from expectation. Free to be who we are.
It will be a grand unburdening and, for this, there has to be The Big Abandon.
Share your views
What do you think? Is there a subject that you feel deserves to be spoken about and ‘unclouded’? Or an inspiring story to share?
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