The mummy monster - dealing with motherhood rage
Photo by Hannah Popowski on Unsplash
Once upon a time, I was a calm human being.
Too calm, some would have pointed out. Nothing bothered me. I was the type of person to accept people as they are, not take things too personally, close an eye. And because of this attitude – that came very natural to me – I very, very rarely felt anger towards anything or anyone.
Rage was something I read about or saw in movies, or on Maltese roads, but I could never understand how and why people would get soooo angry.
Live and let live. That was my mantra and it made me pretty much immune to anger.
Then everything changed.
And the weird part of it all is that it changed…. Out of love. Out of motherhood.
I started my motherhood journey feeling a mix of pure joy sprinkled with a good dose of overwhelm. I always like to say that parenthood unlocks new emotions. As I’ve written before, I witnessed my husband discover a whole new type of love when we had our daughter.
Parenthood blows up emotions
It’s like parenthood clones emotions. Then the clones grow bigger than the original pre-parenthood version.
You no longer feel ‘love’. You feel LOOOOOVE. You no longer feel ‘oh well-ish’ if you make a mistake. That one transforms into GUILT. And of course, you no longer feel ‘pissed off’. You feel ENRAGED (to be pronounced with a growl).
But this does not happen overnight. At least it did not with me.
For the first three years of my parenthood journey it was mostly the good emotions: blown up. Oh, the affection you feel at just looking at your baby do basic things like smile, drink, eat, play, cry, fall, walk, run, climb, speak.
Speak. And learn the word ‘no’. The cause of the root of so much anger to come.
I thought I had managed to escape the terrible twos. But then came the terrible threes (and a global pandemic). And if I had to look back in all honesty – I was the terrible one. My child was just being a child and learning how to handle big emotions as she transformed from toddler to child. I, on the other hand, was transforming into a monster.
The mummy monster.
She scares me. She creeps up on me when I least expect it. When I think I’m doing a great job and keeping it together.
Until.
There is one ‘no’ too many.
Snap.
And when it’s over. Guilt. Big, humongous guilt. Just as big as the rage.
The guilt deflates the monster. I am left there standing. Feeling small and ashamed. Trembling in front of a crying child. I want to cry. I feel like I’m a terrible mummy.
All my efforts to remain calm are engulfed in rage. Uncontrollable, verbal, loud rage at this tiny human in front of me.
The rage vibrates through my entire body until it comes through my vocal cords - that I did not know had the capacity for such volumes. My body trembles because it can not handle this sudden transformation.
And as the transformation happens – in split seconds – words are coming out of my mouth. They are doused in anger and I can feel them physically burn at my throat. They are words I know I should not say. Words like: “get out of my sight”, “I’ve had enough of you”, “I can’t take this every single time we have to go out”.
No. I should not say them.
But I say them.
And when it’s over.
Guilt. Big, humongous guilt.
Just as big as the rage.
The guilt deflates the monster. I am left there standing. Feeling small and ashamed. Trembling in front of a crying child. I want to cry. I feel like I’m a terrible mummy.
It’s a disaster.
I was not like this. What happened to me?
A part of motherhood
Professor Paulann Grech, from the University of Malta’s Department of Mental Health, helps me understand.
“Being a mummy involves a multitude of starstruck moments, better defined as amazing points in time when you look at your offspring and feel an overpowering surge of love flowing through your body. It could happen as you watch your child sleeping or when they accomplish a task for the first time,” she says.
“Sometimes it can take you completely by surprise, tending to whisk you off your feet as you float away in a cloud of ecstasy. These are the golden moments of motherhood.
“You feel like banging doors, screaming and behaving like a deranged hyena. And soon after, the guilt wave washes over you, threatening to drag you to the deepest parts of hell. The good news is that this feeling of rage, followed by guilt is quite normal. Just plain normal.”
“Then there are the mummy monster moments. This refers to those times when you feel an uncontrollable rage surging within you, as you interact with your child. It could be triggered by yet another 'no' or by a general lack of cooperation from the child. It could be that stark refusal to eat a healthy meal after you have spent an hour stuck to the kitchen top, trying to muster your last iota of energy to put a decent meal together.
As much as I dislike the mommy monster, I know that she is made of big, negative emotions.
So it might take big positive emotions – love, support and understanding - to deflate her back to her normal, human self.
“You feel like banging doors, screaming and behaving like a deranged hyena. And soon after, the guilt wave washes over you, threatening to drag you to the deepest parts of hell. The good news is that this feeling of rage, followed by guilt is quite normal. Just plain normal,” she says.
She goes on to explain that such a scenario would probably involve a mummy who has been trying to keep up with a multitude of duties whilst trying to stretch a 12-hour day into an 80-hour one.
“Exhaustion, coupled with a never-ending to-do list, can act as an excellent catalyst to an explosion of rage that is hard to control. Therefore, in an era during which we try to recognise the fact that all feelings, even the not-so-great ones, should be acutely experienced and appreciated, such angry emotions are then simply a part of motherhood. Feelings are feelings and they are okay as long as they do not transform into actions because then safety and wellbeing would be threatened,” she says.
Paulann also speaks about trying to identify what is triggering these reactions. I have tried this.
I tried to pay attention to the way the feelings escalate and tried to communicate this to my child saying: “I am trying to be very patient, but I feel this will run out soon.”
I also noticed that very often I would have been anxious or angry over something else – and it all comes out when my child refuses to wear her jacket to school on a cold day.
I know it is not fair but, as Paulann says, we need to embrace the way we feel to understand where it is coming from and address that root.
Because, as much as I dislike the mommy monster, I know that she is made of big, negative emotions. So it might take big positive emotions – love, support and understanding - to deflate her back to her normal, human self.
Paulann’s tips to control mummy rage
Stop and breathe: Immediately upon recognising anger, stop and breathe deeply to regulate your physiological reaction and avert an immediate outburst.
Step away: Have a timeout. By removing yourself from the situation, you can regain your composure.
Identify triggers: Make an effort to identify the cause of this intense anger. By recognising patterns, you can enhance your ability to anticipate and regulate reactions.
Talk about it: These feelings are like a volcano waiting to erupt. Talking about them to a trusted loved one may act as a vent. Seeking professional help is very important if one feels powerless to control these feelings and the potential actions resulting from these feelings.
Engage in self-care: Consistent physical activity, adequate rest, and a nutritious diet can enhance overall mental wellbeing.
Apart from being a senior lecturer at the University of Malta, Paulann Grech is a writer who is interested in writing about life from a mental health perspective - something she does a lot on her Facebook page.