10 things I would tell myself about being a new mum
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Every so often my phone’s photo Apps take me back in time - through photos that were snapped years before. And when I see images of myself as a new mum, with my baby or toddler, I get a sense of ‘if only I had known then what I know now’. Like many new mums, I worried unnecessarily about so many things while I was immersed in early motherhood. If I had to turn back the clock, here’s what I would tell myself about being a first-time mum.
1. It’s okay to keep your child close
When I first became a mum I was happy to hold my child every minute of every day. But then it became tiring. I realised that I had to put my child down sometimes. Only that she did not like it. She wanted to stay on me. All. The. Time. While a part of me accepted this, there was a part that told myself: but a baby should sit in a pushchair and sleep in a cot.
I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt I was failing, especially when I saw other mothers who just put their child ‘anywhere’ they wanted to without any issues. Now, looking back, I wish I did not let this stress me out so much. Because, when the time was right, my daughter was happy to be put down. Then she started jumping off me. Now I’m already getting those ‘mummy I don’t need you’ moments. Ouch.
2. They are stronger than you think
When I had a new born baby I was scared to break her. I was scared to walk up the stairs for fear of falling and dropping ber. I was scared to sleep, for fear of rolling over the baby and suffocating her. I was worried I did not sterilize the bottle well enough and feared she would get some deadly infection. And, when she started walking, I followed her everywhere with my arms open to catch her in case she fell. Then she fell. And guess what? She was fine. Kids are stronger than we think. I’ve seen this on many levels. They are resilient and they adapt. I am often in awe.
3. There is no perfect way
The early days of motherhood were filled with self-doubt. Was I dressing her well? Was she warm enough? Would I overheat her? Was I feeding her enough? Why didn’t she stay in her cot or pushchair like other kids? The list went on and on. Looking back, I see that there are many different ways of being a good mum. There is no right or wrong. You do what works for your family, even if that means having your baby sleep near you.
4. They will grow out of it
I remember obsessing about a phase and worrying it would never end - until it did. Like, for example, I thought I’d never get my daughter to stop drinking milk at night from a baby bottle. Then she stopped. I thought she would never stop using a nappy at night. Then she stopped. I thought she would never sleep in her own bed. Then she did (at least for the first half of the night). I thought she would never allow me to drop her off at a friend’s house for a drop-off party (and want me with her at all times). Then she did. She did all this when she was ready and not when I thought she should be ready.
5 ‘Dirty’ kids are happy kids
In the beginning, I would change my daughter into fresh clothes if she dropped anything on her or dirtied her clothes in any way. I realised that this was leading to an anxious toddler - it was actually flagged to me by her first daycare teacher. Then a friend of mine, who has three kids, told me these wise words: dirty kids are happy kids. I let go. It was not easy. But I managed, somehow. Today I allow my daughter to experiment and play. And if she falls asleep without a shower - it’s not the end of the world. I let her sleep. But I change the sheets the following morning.
6. Motherhood is not perfect
Before becoming a mother, many have a romanticized idea of what motherhood is all about. We expect ourselves to be happy and grateful - only. While, yes, there are many positive emotions - and pure joy and love - there are also lots of new amplified, uncomfortable emotions that range from loneliness (like when you are chasing after a toddler while everyone else enjoys their wine and dinner), fear (that something will go terribly wrong and you or your child will get hurt), and anger. Which takes me to the next point.
7. Anger is normal
Positive parenting. What a lovely ring that has to it. But it’s not always possible because sometimes we are tired. Sometimes we run out of energy. We run out of ‘giving’. Sometimes we snap. Because we are human. Mummies get angry and, if we try to suppress that feeling and drown it in simulated positivity, that feeling will only result in an explosion fuelled by resentment.
8. Don’t ignore your needs
This one is important, but not easy. For the first year of being a new mum, I put myself on freeze. I was genuinely happy to spend every second of my day seeing to my child’s needs and holding her on me. But then it became tiring. Then I felt like I was in shackles. I had lost myself. When I tried to go out with friends and she would cry, the guilt was so deep that I sometimes cancelled my plans - and felt more resentful. Now I know that sometimes children cry - but they will be fine. You need to weigh the situation. A happy mum is a better mummy.
9. Give yourself a break
Nowadays parenting can seem like a choreographed experience. There is the ‘need’ to take perfect baby photos, have the perfect pushchair and nursery, and all that jazz. Don’t let these society-imposed expectations dampen the joy of parenting. Because all your baby wants is her parents - she does not care about having a room with matching wooden, handcrafted toys and neatly stacked wicker baskets. Yes, they look pretty, very pretty - but this should not come at the expense of stressing out mummy and baby.
10. Enjoy each phase… because it will pass
Lying near a child until she falls asleep can get tedious and even cause anxiety if you are busy and still have stuff to do before you can sleep. Waiting for your child to get into the bath because she is busy doing cartwheels is nerve-wracking at the end of the day when patience runs thin. Waking up in the middle of the night because a child crawls into your bed and getting kicked in the ribs might feel exhausting. But keep in mind that the day will come when this will stop. So soak in those moments - kicks and all. I’m still working on this one.