Expectations. Not so great!
Photo by Jan Tinneberg on Unsplash
I’ve been thinking about expectations. I’ve concluded that they are like ‘brain weeds’: they implant themselves in our minds and take over the way we approach - and eventually experience - something.
And December is a time of year when these expectations can flourish.
Of course, it can go both ways. When the real thing is better than expected we are left feeling happy, lucky. There is a feeling of having accomplished something. We feel on top of the world.
But on the other end of the spectrum, expectations can be the reason why we are let down. Why things are not how we imagined… not as we expected. And the thing is there is no controlling how big they can grow during the build-up: be it towards a birthday, anniversary, meeting someone for the first time, tasting a new dish, going to a new restaurant, visiting a new country, looking back at the year that passed or ahead at the new year. The list is endless.
“It’s like imagining that, behind a door, there is a magical garden. Then you open it to find a living room. The initial reaction is disappointment. This does not allow you to soak in the beauty of the hand-woven carpet, enjoy the comfortable armchair, take in the views, and feel the warmth of the fireplace.”
There have been many times when I’ve allowed my expectations to grow unharnessed. This often led to disappointment. Way back during my teenage years, I had great life-altering expectations for every New Year’s Eve party.
I had super expectations for my school social which turned out to be a normal event. It was not bad. But my expectations were better. As a result, the event itself was dampened when compared to them.
It’s like imagining that, behind a door, there is a magical garden. Then you open it to find a living room. The initial reaction is disappointment. This does not allow you to soak in the beauty of the hand-woven carpet, enjoy the comfortable armchair, take in the views, and feel the warmth of the fireplace.
Letting go of expectations
Now that I’m all grown up, I think I can say I’ve experienced expectations throughout: school-leaving, sixth form, university, working life, colleague dynamics, relationships, friendships, motherhood, aging, pursuing ideas, and so much more.
I am an expert expectationer (if that is a word) when it comes to myself and how I think something should pan out.
What I’ve come to realise is that I have been being unfair: to myself, to the experience, and to the other people present during that experience. And what made me realise this, is the very fact that whenever I approach something with no expectations, the experience is more positive.
“I was not allowing myself to live in the moment, enjoy being with the people I was with. Instead, I was just feeling the absence of a storyline I made up in my head. A story that never existed.”
By expecting big things out of events I have been diminishing them from the get-go. By expecting the fairy tale from a New Year’s Eve party I was not allowing myself to live in the moment, enjoy being with the people I was with. Instead, I was just feeling the absence of a storyline I made up in my head. A story that never existed.
This I feel is true for so many things. My expectations of some parts of motherhood - for example. I expected that my baby would sleep in her cot and, when it did not happen, I felt like I was failing. I expected my child to think like me and, when it did not happen, I felt unprepared and lost.
When a birthday or special occasion did not turn out as I imagined - I got let down. There is a ripple effect on the people around me. So, in hindsight, I realise that I have been robbing myself of genuinely living and feeling special moments because, instead of being in the moment, I am lost in my head.
So, as hard as it might be, I’m gonna try to shed these expectations. I want to just be open to what an experience offers. I believe this will unload the pressure off what I expect to be, look like, feel, become.
Instead, it will allow me to live life, and the moments that make it, openly and embrace the reality before me… without expectations.