Finding glimmers. Expert advice on how to see life’s sparks of joy.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
A flower growing through a crack in the ground. The giggle of a child. The smell of freshly baked bread. These small, positive micro-moments have the power to change the way we experience our day. They can improve our overall wellbeing. But first, we must open our eyes to them. These are glimmers – a term coined by DEB DANA an American clinician, teacher, author and speaker specialising in complex trauma. She tells Woman Unclouded how women can use these glimmers to help navigate a world filled with expectations... and triggers.
I first heard of the term ‘glimmers’ when I was at a conference organised by the Women for Women Foundation about women’s health. One of the presentations addressed mental wellbeing. The speaker advised the women who packed the room to try to see life’s ‘glimmers’ and not just focus on ‘triggers’.
My face lit up. I loved the idea.
Simple.
Powerful.
I had never heard of glimmers. I immediately Googled the term and found that it had been coined by Deb Dana as part of her work with trauma patients.
I wanted to learn more. I wanted to share this precious little nugget of positivity. Later that day I sent out an email to the address on Deb’s website.
A few days later I received a reply. She agreed to a Zoom interview. I screeched with excitement.
(Here was a glimmer amongst all the ‘no replies’ I’ve received when sending out interview requests to ‘big people’ on behalf of Woman Unclouded.)
When the day of the call arrived, we spoke about how glimmers work for everyone - irrespective of age and gender.
We focused on women.
“We need these tiny moments. If we think about the biology of change, it tells us that change happens in small moments: when small things happen over and over and over. If I can find a glimmer a day for the next month then something is going to feel different inside.” - Deb Dana
Triggers and glimmers: A full picture
Women have a lot on their plate. There are the pressures to have a successful career, to become and be a great and present parent, to find time to look a certain way, and to juggle everything else in between.
But the day has 24 hours. The pressure is high. Our minds shift into survival mode.
“There is so much pressure on mums to meet certain standards. I have two daughters and I watch them parent and I think: how hard it is nowadays to parent,” says Deb.
She explains that when people are in survival mode the nervous system is on full alert looking out for the dangers – the triggers – and sending anxiety-inducing alerts to our brains.
Her words resonate with me. I recognize the feeling she talks about. And the word - ‘triggers’ - that comes up in conversations with friends and other mummies. We often talk about stuff that ‘triggered us’ – it could be a comment from a colleague, something our partner did or did not do, or another ‘no’ from the children.
And, as many parents would agree, children are very good at ‘triggering’ and evoking the mummy monster. But the truth is that our reaction is, more often than not, nothing to do with what the child did or said. It’s often rooted in something underlying – in my case, getting frustrated and resentful when I can’t find the time to do what I really want (like write an article).
But hold on.
Life has its pockets of beauty and calm. But when we are in a mad rush to get places, tick boxes and deliver we miss out on them. As a result, we go through life soaking in the triggers but ignoring the glimmers – that are also there ready to be soaked in.
These glimmers, as defined by Deb, are micro-moments of regulation that foster feelings of wellbeing. They are personal to each of us and one person’s glimmer may be another person’s trigger.
“In the world of today, knowing that something is within reach and only has to be tiny to be meaningful – is really helpful. Because we keep telling women they have to do these great big practices and build all these things - which is exhausting and overwhelming and brings a survival response in the nervous system,” says Deb.
Through her research Deb has learnt that, unless we make an effort to stop and see the positive – the glimmers in life - we will not reach wellbeing.
How glimmers work
As Deb explains, we experience the world through our nervous system. Our brain tells a story based on what the nervous system experiences.
As we live our daily lives, our nervous system is constantly scanning our environment for cues to decide on how to respond: Is this safe? Should I do it? The message it releases will depend on what it ‘sees’.
If the nervous system senses triggers – cues for danger – then there is a stress response.
When our nervous system senses glimmers - cues for safety – we enter something called the ‘social engagement mode’, where we feel safe, calm and relaxed.
As Deb explains, the goal is not to be there all the time. We are meant to fluctuate between states, with flexibility. It’s when we get stuck in a survival state, and can't access the safe place, that we need help.
“The nervous system needs to resolve triggers, but we need to actively experience those moments – the glimmers. That is the only way we can thrive and live a life full of wellbeing,” she says.
She stresses that glimmers do not cancel out triggers. “They don’t resolve them. It’s not about toxic positivity. What they are is a reminder that our nervous system can hold all of the suffering and unresolved trauma. And also hold these positive moments,” she says.
It’s not about burying the negative. It’s about also seeing the positive. It’s about seeing the full picture.
A small, powerful word
Deb came up with this concept and word when working with trauma patients. Even they benefited from learning to stop and appreciate the small positives.
She then needed a word.
“I wanted something small enough that it feels reachable – a little thing that brings a tiny spark. That’s how it started. I’m happy to see how, over the past months, glimmers have gone out into the everyday world. This makes me so happy,” she says.
She believes the world needs glimmers. And I agree.
“As we all begin to understand that we can find those tiny moments, our nervous system begins to shift more toward connection and regulation. Glimmers can help us begin to change the world. They are tiny, but powerful. Every time you notice one it lands in your nervous system and it feels good and we organically start to look for more and we start to collect them. You keep bringing them in and they give you more access to regulation and safety. That is the power of these tiny moments,” says Deb.
“We need the tiny moments. If we think about the biology of change, it tells us that change happens in small moments: when small things happen over and over and over. If I can find a glimmer a day for the next month then something is going to feel different inside.”
HOW TO FIND GLIMMERS
Deb explains that everyone can learn how to see glimmers. Here’s how to develop your own glimmer practice, according to Deb:
See: What are the cues that you have found a glimmer? What happens in your body that lets you know you are in a glimmer moment? What do you do when you feel that spark of energy? What thoughts arise? What emotions do you feel?
Stop: Now that you know the cues, use them to notice glimmers as you move through your day. Glimmers happen regularly, but because they are micro-moments you need to be on the lookout for them.
Appreciate: Create an easy way to acknowledge a glimmer as it happens. You might repeat a simple phrase or make a small movement. Spend several seconds in appreciation letting the glimmer land in your system.
Remember: Find ways to keep track of your glimmers. Experiment with ways to build your collection and create a personal glimmer library.
Share: When you share your glimmers with someone else, they come alive again in the remembering and retelling.
What are your views?
What did you think about this article? Is there a topic you feel passionate about and would like to talk about? If so you can comment below or send an email on hello@womanunclouded.com so we can discuss how to get your voice heard.