For crying out loud! It’s OK to cry!

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

 One summer day, when I was about 13 years old, I went swimming at my aunt’s house. My mother and her three sisters were having a coffee round the kitchen table inside when I walked in from the pool area, closed the garden door behind me and stepped into the kitchen.

My mum and her sisters looked at me and, as they carefully wiped their eyes, they said: “look how much she’s grown”.

I had no idea what was happening. Should I apologise for growing?

But as the years passed, I understood. Because I grew to become a crier.

Yes, I am a self-declared crier. I cry whenever I experience any form of intense emotion: be it sadness, anger or joy.

I have cried pretty much everywhere: at home, at school, at work, in restaurants, in the bathroom, while driving, at my daughter’s school concert, while watching a movie (even some adverts make me cry).

And while in some “safe” environments – like at home or with close relatives and friends – I feel comfortable shedding my tears, there have been times when I felt, well… weak.

What I’ve learnt in my many years as a crier is that it is embarrassing and often frowned upon (excuse the pun). It can have two opposite impacts – from people listening and being kind, to people shutting down and even getting angry… which fuels more crying (not so much because of the anger, but because you don’t feel understood).

Not all crying is equal

Professor Mary Ann Lauri, a lecturer in social psychology at the University of Malta, points me in the direction of research that shows that… I am not alone:

Researcher Lauren Bylsma, from the University of Pittsburgh (Journal of Research in Personality, 2011) found that “why you cry and who sees you do it appear to make a difference in whether crying helps or hurts your emotional state.”

I knew it!

Basically, Bylsma states that “crying is more likely to make people feel better when they have emotional support (such as a close friend nearby), if they are crying due to a positive event, or if their crying leads to a resolution or new understanding of the situation that led them to cry in the first place”.

Criers, on the other hand, feel worse if they feel embarrassed or ashamed of crying, if they are with unsupportive people or if they cried because they saw suffering.

So yes, not all crying is equal – some crying leaves you feeling bad (or even worse than you started off feeling), while some actually helps. It can be a very effective release valve.

But why do we cry?

One thing I often questioned is: why am I a crier? Is it a gender thing fuelled by hormones? Is it because I was raised to see women around me cry comfortably? Is it culture?

According to Lauri, research shows that women cry more than men and there are various reasons explaining this phenomenon.

“One main reason is the fact that many of us are told from a young age when we should not cry. Boys, men and family members, friends and society have norms about when it is acceptable to cry and when it is not. This varies across cultures. Another reason could be physiological. Testosterone, which is a hormone present in higher levels in men, may inhibit crying. On the otherhand the hormone prolactin, which is present in higher levels in women, may promote crying,” she said.

“While women have the advantage over men in terms of being ‘allowed’ to cry… the fact that men cry less puts them at an advantage in certain social situations when crying is deemed out of place.”

Lauri goes on to add that, since women cry more often than men and since many of us still perceive women as more gentle and vulnerable than men, crying is associated with being feminine. It is what we are thought from when we are young and many people believe it and accept it.

OK. So, hormones and society equals women (can) cry more.  But surely crying is more than just drops of water oozing out of our eyes for the sake of it, while our face gets blotchy.

Lauri explains that there are benefits to the act of crying. “Crying releases oxytocin and endorphins which make the person feel better. Crying can be therapeutic,” she says as she adds a disclaimer that when crying for a long period of time, however, the body needs rehydration.

Let me cry – it’s freedom of expression!

She points towards an article published in the American Psychological Association that found that a study of people in 35 countries showed that the difference between how often men and women cry may be more pronounced in countries that allow greater freedom of expression and social resources.

In her book Seeing Through Tears: Crying and Attachment, psychotherapist Judith Kay Nelson summarizes past research and concludes that “securely attached people are more comfortable expressing emotions and cry in ways that are considered normal and healthy, while those with insecure attachment may cry inappropriately — with easily activated, difficult-to-soothe tears.”

Researchers also found that those who tend to avoid close relationships “were less likely to cry and tried harder to inhibit their tears than people with other attachment styles.”

In a world where all we want to see is strength and perfection… I refuse to pretend everything is OK all the time.

So it seems that while women have the advantage over men in terms of being allowed to cry – which sometimes means they get to feel better about a situation – the fact that men cry less puts them at an advantage in certain social situations when crying is deemed out of place.

In my case, I have long made peace with the fact that I am a crier. And, you know what? It’s OK.

I have learnt that I don’t need to apologize or feel weak for feeling strong emotions and expressing them – in my case – through tears. I refuse to be bullied into holding back my tears in certain circumstances because, even if they are the result of hormones, culture and upbringing – if I feel I need to cry, why should I hold back my tears?

In a world where all we want to see is strength and perfection… I refuse to pretend everything is OK all the time. I have no problem breaking down and getting a blotchy, smudged face if that is what it takes for me to process an emotion and make me feel better.

And that is my weeping statement! 😉