‘Hon, I need money’. The uncomfortable truth about feeling dependent
Photo by Heather Mount on Unsplash
We often hear about the gender pay gap. But there is another pay-related gap we don’t talk about enough. Maybe because it’s uncomfortable. Maybe because, unlike the vague gender pay gap that involves comparing salaries of strangers, this involves people closer to heart.
I’m talking about the ‘money imbalance’ in some couples.
Now, now. Before you get all worked up (excuse the pun) – this is not an attack on men or on the ‘bigger earner’ in the relationship. This is simply an acknowledgment of the way the ‘lower earner’ in the couple can feel in today’s world: an expensive one where society demands success.
I’ve noticed this over the years. It’s a financial imbalance, often tipped towards the man, particularly in relationships when kids come into the picture.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. But, in some cases, it can be. Allow me to break it down based on facts and on conversations I’ve had with many women in my circles and beyond.
In Malta women still take on most of the caring role and house-related chores. A 2020 University of Malta study showed that nearly a third of people in Malta still believe that a woman’s main duty is to take care of the home and family and a fifth believe it is the man’s main duty to earn money for the household.
It is also a fact that there exists a gender pay gap where women are worse off – 13% worse off in the EU according to the European Commission.
And it is a fact that women are generally less financially independent. This is not just the case in Malta. A recent UK survey revealed that fewer than half (45%) of women feel financially independent. Of those who do not feel independent, 38% feel they cannot make decisions by themselves because of outstanding debts or dependency on a partner’s income.
Feeling dependant
Dependency. Ouch. Such an uncomfortable word to this generation. In our parents’ generation, this was the norm. And it was fine. But this generation is one that was nurtured to study and build a career which meant getting a full-time job and salary.
We know what it feels like to be financially independent.
What often happens is that when children come into the picture there are decisions to be made. Some couples both keep working and rope in help for childcare. Some don’t even have the luxury of choice as they both need to work to cope.
Others decide that one will slow down and, in most cases, it’s the woman. This means more time spent with the child – which is good. But it also means a salary cut.
“Dependency. Ouch. Such an uncomfortable word to this generation. In our parents’ generation, this was the norm. And it was fine. But this generation is one that was nurtured to study and build a career which meant getting a full-time job and salary.”
“My husband and I agreed he would be the main breadwinner, for two reasons: He can make more money than I ever can; working reduced hours means I can be at home when the kids return from school and also see to most of the house chores,” says Vanessa (no real names used in this piece for obvious reasons).
“This arrangement makes most sense on paper and I'm glad I can be present for my children whose needs grow and change as they get older. However, if I had to be totally honest, I still feel resentful at times that I am not giving my career the attention it too deserves. Whenever I bring it up my husband reminds me that he will happily be a stay-at-home dad if I feel frustrated. However, we both know this doesn't make sense financially.”
Big couple decisions
What often happens is that initially, when couples first have a child, they are happy to make these choices. But then life hits.
While looking after a child is amazing and some are lucky to even have the option, the reality is that at some point you realise that you are no longer progressing in the career you worked so hard for. You realise you can no longer save money, contribute to the family financially. You realise you have become more dependent. It feels uncomfortable for some.
This was the case for Corinne. “When I was expecting my first child, I recall having to re-think my working hours. I used to work full-time finishing off my days at 7pm. My husband too worked full-time till late in the day. There was no discussion of who had to be more present at home - it was automatically assumed I would be the one (a decision which in hindsight made sense). I offered no opposition. I was happy to be able to have time with my children. Obviously, we could afford the move with some sacrifice.
“I realised how dependent I was on my husband. I could no longer afford to pay my full share of the loan, I would ask for money on a bad month and I could no longer save.”
“As the months and years passed, I realised how dependent I was on my husband. I could no longer afford to pay my full share of the loan, I would ask for money on a bad month and I could no longer save. My husband never made an issue out of the situation but, on a personal level, it did bother me for quite some time. Not to mention that career-wise I could not think of progressing much because of the limited hours… I'm still learning to let go! Especially because as a couple we make up for each other including financially.”
As Corinne points out, the situation can be equally stressful on the partner who is suddenly the main breadwinner and loan-payer. This is a lot of pressure.
Feeling ‘useless’
So you have a situation where a woman who is used to having her own income has no or half the income. While the partner is stressed and overworked. To this add the increase in cost of living that spiralled over the past few years. Does it impact the actual couple relationship?
Lara does not really feel it does. “I've been thinking about this… I am trying to think about how it impacts us as a couple...don't think it does directly. I think when we decided to have kids, we both wanted to be fully involved in their upbringing and not rely heavily on others (grandparents, childcare etc). So me stopping work was the obvious choice because he always earned more than I did.
“Since having our son I never worked full-time again so there was always that imbalance. But, again, I don't think I minded or was resentful or felt unequal or anything like that. I still was earning something and it was enough for me to feel semi-independent.”
“Now that I'm not earning any income at all, I do feel frustrated and 'useless' on some level and above all guilty whenever I spend money on myself unless it's something I desperately need.”
But when Lara and her husband had their second child, she stopped working.
“Now that I'm not earning any income at all, I do feel frustrated and 'useless' on some level and above all guilty whenever I spend money on myself unless it's something I desperately need. Although my husband doesn't do or say anything to make me feel that way, I think that since I'm not working for the money myself, I have no right to spend it on me - which is silly but can't help it.
“Possibly also to do with the fact that since life has become so expensive and we are living on one income, we are finding it harder to manage financially. So anything that I need or want for me, in my mind is 'extra' and my priority is the kids and making sure they have everything they need. So maybe indirectly it affects us as a couple because we do make sacrifices and give up things we can't afford right now, like eating out, holidays etc”.
“The point of this is to acknowledge that there are people out there – many of who are women – who feel “guilty”, “useless” and even “resentful” about being dependent. So we need to talk about it.”
So while this financial imbalance might not cause issues when the relationship is healthy – and when both understand clearly that this is a team thing – the same cannot be said in cases of abusive relationships. In such cases it means the woman (or lower-earner) is trapped with no place to go.
So as I write this many might question: Are we overthinking it? Are we getting too caught up in equality demands? What happened to husband and wife (or partners) being a team? What’s wrong with that?
Nothing of course. That team is called a family. And all families manage their finances differently.
But the point of this is to acknowledge that there are people out there – many of who are women – who feel “guilty”, “useless” and even “resentful” about being dependent.
So we need to talk about it.