Finding courage
Photo by Mathieu Bigard on Unsplash
This week was tough. This week was filled with intense emotion. This week was one where, as a family, we faced death. We are facing grief – up close.
There were many questions. There still are.
Some questions were parenting-related. Like, how do you tell a child that her nannu passed away? Should she come to the funeral? Should she come to the burial? Should she wear black?
We chose to be open and honest with her. We lived through this difficult time together. We allowed her to be present where she wanted to be.
Because death is a part of life. And being sad about losing a loved one is okay. It’s an important part of the grieving process.
Embracing grief
Grief is not a nice emotion. It hurts. But I have learned that it has to be embraced. It has to be respected. It needs its time just like any other emotion. And, as a parent, these are the moments when we have to accept that we, and our children and other loved ones, need to face this grief.
It’s painful seeing loved ones suffer. But we can’t protect them from it. We can, however, be there.
Then, of course, there are the internal questions. Questions that funerals tend to unearth: Am I living the life I really want to? Am I spending enough time with my loved ones? That sort of thing.
“It’s painful seeing loved ones suffer. But we can’t protect them from it. We can, however, be there.”
These events give you a brutally honest perspective-altering wake-up call. They make us realise how much time we spend worrying about silly things. They make us stop and take a look at the people around us and appreciate them.
Then come a deeper layer of questions which, I feel, can be boiled down to one essential one: Am I strong enough?
I worry I might not be. And that scares me because I want to be - especially for the people around me.
It’s a fine line – being strong on one side and allowing yourself to feel the sadness. I hope I will be able to walk that tightrope, if and when the time comes - again.
Sharing fears… and strength
As I felt the panic rise – fuelled by fear I might not be able to – I remembered that Woman Unclouded is guided by the concept: I am not special. So chances are that, if I face these thoughts and feelings, many did and still are. While we never know what life has in store, the reality is that many of us do think about these sort of ‘what-ifs’.
I reached out to some friends and asked if they feel the same way. Some shared the same fear – of not being strong enough in the face of life’s big, tragic events – death being the biggest one.
“Truth is it is scary and of course I do think about it and worry… so no, you're not alone,” one friend said as another went on: “I'm strong but don't think I will cope well with ill health or loss of a loved one.”
Another wrote: “I wouldn't be able to cope with the death of a child or my husband. I'm tearing up just writing this.” (Confession: same here).
“I think we don't know our own strength until we have to face these situations... and then I see others finding a way and coping and that gives me courage.”
Some, who have already tasted life’s hardships had messages of hope. They did not curl up in a corner and stay there (as I worry I might do). They stood up and kept going.
“I think I have passed through so much that it has made me find my strength,” one friend said.
Another shared: “Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one. But we are more resilient than we think we are. As one of my teachers once said: ‘it's not that easy to die of grief’. But of course, it hurts deeply.”
She added that when it comes to the death of a loved one, you don’t really get over it. But you move forward. You keep walking. The world keeps spinning.
“I think we don't know our own strength until we have to face these situations... and then I see others finding a way and coping and that gives me courage,” a friend said.
This is it. Courage. As we often read and hear in quotes – this is not the absence of fear.
This is something I saw this week. I saw people in pain who were finding the courage. And people around them doing the same thing. Supporting one another.