How much should I push my child?
Photo by Johnny Cohen on Unsplash
“No”.
Here’s a word many parents hear way too often. But that little word can have many meanings. And one of our jobs is to learn how to interpret and navigate those meanings.
Some children use “no” as a default reply to pretty much anything. Sometimes they don’t really mean it – it comes out of their mouth before they can digest what you are telling them.
Sometimes a “no” means “not now”. It can also mean “I don’t feel like” but it can also mean “no, I don’t want. I don’t like it”.
In simple terms. It’s confusing.
Which is why there is one question I find myself struggling to answer as a parent: How much should I push my child – when they are pushing back on doing something?
I’m talking about those instances when the “no” applies to going to ballet, or football, or to practicing for the school spelling game or dance exam.
Where does one draw the line between pushing a child to do well and pushing too far?
As I often try to answer that question, others flood in: What if my child fails or falls behind because I didn’t push enough? Because I’m being too soft? But what if by pushing I am making my child feel she is not good enough?
Why are they resisting?
Being a parent comes with a range of these subtle, but tough, internal struggles.
Counselling psychologist Stephanie Borg Bartolo, a visiting senior lecturer at the University of Malta’s Department of Psychiatry, explains there is no right or wrong way to handle these situations. It depends on the age of the child, their personality, and their background, she says.
“For example, if your child is anxious or has a low sense of self-confidence, then the way you handle them would be different compared to someone who gets bored easily,” she says. The latter might need more ‘forceful’ nudges to get things done compared to the first example.
Stephanie gives the example of a child who suddenly resists going to football – which he usually loves and is good at.
“If you see a particular talent, for example in football, and the child suddenly doesn’t want to go, sit down and talk about why… Investigate why they are pushing back and, depending on the reason, have another conversation.”
“If you see a particular talent, for example in football, and the child suddenly doesn’t want to go, sit down and talk about why without falling into the trap of saying things like: ‘but you are so good’ or ‘I paid, you have to go’. Investigate why they are pushing back and, depending on the reason, have another conversation.
“For example, if it turns out that this is all because he failed to score a goal, you can talk about it and teach your child a life lesson – in this case that we don’t always succeed but need to keep trying. This is how you push gently,” she says.
But, she adds, if it emerges that the child genuinely does not have an interest, the situation changes.
Why are we really pushing?
“You need to investigate if you are pushing because you believe this is in the child’s best interest or because this was a lifelong dream you had. Is it something you imposed, or did the child ask to learn?”
This is a tricky one. Ouch.
She continues to give an example: “If you are sending your daughter to ballet, is it because she enjoys it, or because that’s what society expects a young girl to do?”
“You need to investigate if you are pushing because you believe this is in the child’s best interest or because this was a lifelong dream you had. Is it something you imposed, or did the child ask to learn?”
As parents, we need to be honest with ourselves, for our children’s sake, when answering these questions.
This is an example that hits close to home. My daughter goes to ballet. She sometimes goes effortlessly but sometimes resists. She always comes out of class happy. Which leaves me very confused.
In these situations, Stephanie says, giving options to the child can help. The child might like dancing but ballet might not be her, for example.
Picking our battles
Stephanie goes on to add that other factors to keep in mind are the child’s limitations, talents and self-esteem.
“If a child has bad coordination, it is not fair to push that child to keep dancing if they are unhappy,” she says.
She also speaks about picking our battles as parents. If forcing a child to attend an activity is causing tantrums and hurting the family dynamic, it’s important to first explore why this is happening.
“If this is causing a big rift, then the question is whether it’s worth pushing,” she says.
Of course, there are times when children need pushing. Like when they refuse to budge because they are on a screen. Or when, because as a parent you understand their limitations and the way they learn, you know they need to dedicate a little more extra time to a particular activity.
However, says Stephanie, either way, it’s important to take into consideration why children are pushing back. Maybe they are rebelling because they have had enough. Maybe they need some idle time - which is also important for their wellbeing.
“Are we pushing them up? Or are we pushing them over or, even worse, away?”
Stephanie ends by saying: “There is no hard and fast rule. I think the take-home message needs to be that we first need to understand why the child is pushing back. Then we need to look at why we are pushing?”
As parents we need to question: Are we pushing them to be the best they can be? Or are we pushing them to be the best we want them to be compared to others?
Are we pushing them up? Or are we pushing them over or, even worse, away? This is why we have to place our child at the centre when we answer these questions – by being aware and realistic about their strengths and limitations and accepting who they are as little, unique people.