Matrescence: when a woman becomes a mother
Photo by Matt Hoffman on Unsplash
This article is way overdue. I have been wanting to write about this ever since I discovered the word “matrescence” and what it means. Because it normalised the way I was feeling back when I first became a mother.
When our daughter was born, my husband and I were experiencing pure joy, especially since it followed a miscarriage. I like to say that a part of our hearts got unlocked.
But, amongst all this love and happiness, I also dipped in and out of darkness. I remember balling my eyes out the day I left the hospital. I knew this might happen, as I had been told and read about postpartum, so I rationalised it and told myself that I was tired, overwhelmed and hormonal.
But I was terrified I would not be able to keep this tiny creature alive. The fear was real and rationalising did not help. Going up or down the stairs at home terrified me as I imagined myself tumbling down or dropping my baby. I cried for every small thing. I have an image of me sitting in my robe on an armchair and crying while trying to eat soup between breastfeeding.
I was confused. I should be happy so why was I crying?
When my husband returned to work, and I was alone at home with the baby during maternity leave the days felt never-ending. There were lots of super happy moments – and I treasured every small movement my baby made – but there was lots of self-doubt: that I was not feeding her right or enough, that I was not putting her down enough, that she was overdressed, or underdressed.
With time things got better. Within a few weeks, the darkness lifted. Thankfully I was one of the 70 per cent of women who got postpartum blues or baby blues - that lifted after a short while – and not the more prolonged and severe depressive version.
As I got into the swing of motherhood, I started understanding every grimace and bodily sound of this baby as though it was a new language. I felt good. But the doubts continued (and still do).
The “me” I knew was changing
Then there was another level to all this: the feeling of wanting and needing to transform: to be better for my daughter, to look better, be healthier, do something worthwhile, make a difference, leave a legacy (the Woman Unclouded seed was planted).
I cut my hair and changed my specs.
Still, it was not enough. It did not reflect the “new me” I was imagining in my mind.
And as I was living this, I couldn’t shake off the sensation that all this felt - familiar. But, how could it be? This was my first experience as a mother. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I Googled: “new mother, insecure, feel reborn”.
“Then there was the feeling of wanting and needing to transform… I cut my hair and changed my specs… But it was not enough. It did not reflect the “new me” I was imagining in my mind.”
The word “matrescence” popped up. I had never heard it. As I read about it - it all made sense. I related with what I was reading. I felt I was not alone. I was going through a shift in identity. The me I knew was changing: physically (because my body did change), emotionally (motherhood opens up a whole new level of emotions, fears, love, guilt – the whole works) and mentally (the way I think shifted, priorities and perceptions changed).
It was adolescence all over again: the insecurities, uncomfortable feelings, changing body parts, hormones, wanting to look and feel better, feeling completely lost yet wanting to stir things up and make a change, wanting to ‘be like the perfect mummies’ and feeling like a failure when I did not live up to that.
Only, this time, I was not transitioning from childhood to adulthood. This was the dawn of motherhood. And, according to the rest of the world, this is a happy place so I should thank my lucky stars, be happy and do what women have been doing since the dawn of time: suck it up and raise my child.
What is matrescence?
Perinatal psychiatrists Ethel Felice and Rachel Buhagiar are very familiar with the real picture. I reached out to them to write this article soon after I launched Woman Unclouded. They explain that the transition to motherhood can be tough. Even tougher than adolescence.
“Matrescence is what we call the ‘adjustment reaction’ to the birth of a baby. Adolescence is a transition role from childhood to adulthood and matrescence is from woman to mother,” explains Ethel.
Rachel goes on to elaborate. “The main changes women experience when they become mothers, apart from the physical ones that pregnancy brings along, is a change in role and responsibilities. One minute there is no baby, then there is. The wife and husband have to adapt to caring for a new human being. There are changes in work and career, while adjusting to having a baby who is completely dependent.”
Ethel explains that couples have to recalibrate. “We see quite a few couples who do not adjust to this role change. Both have to be prepared and informed about the demands of having a child in the family.”
As the parents have less time for themselves as a couple, they also get less personal time alone and this might create an internal struggle, Rachel adds.
“Typically, as the parents settle into their new roles, things get easier. In the majority of cases mothers who go through post-partum do not need professional treatment. But some find it harder to adjust.”
Typically, as the parents settle into their new roles, things get easier. In the majority of cases mothers who go through post-partum do not need professional treatment. But some find it harder to adjust, especially if they experienced a trauma in childhood or in past relationships, or have no support, both emotional and practical.
“Postpartum is sensitive and gets out all emotions that come out when they are not wanted,” says Ethel adding that in some cases this may lead to mental health issues such as anxiety disorders or depression and the more severe illness of postpartum psychosis. They urged women who were struggling with their mental health to seek help as treatment is available and this does not include only medications but also talking therapies.
For more information visit the Parent-Infant Mental Health Alliance or call the Perinatal Mental Health Services on 2545 7410.