Owning your sexuality
Sex.
A small word that brings up a whole range of reactions and emotions that span from shame, shock and shyness to love, lust and longing.
A small word that embodies what is ultimately something natural. An integral part of being human – and propagating the species.
We watch movies that show sex. We are exposed to sex jokes. We educate our children in schools about the biology behind it.
But when it comes to talking about it openly - be it within a relationship or between trusted friends – it is often an uncomfortable no-go topic for various reasons - prude-ness (is this a word?), privacy and embarrassment are among them.
And why? Because this small word has a dark past. It has been the source of judgment. It has been demonised – especially when it comes to female sexuality.
Un-demonising sex
And because of this, generations of women have tried to suppress and deny this part of themselves, according to Anna Catania a counsellor specialised in sex and relationships.
“I really want to see women make peace with their sexual self. Because of our history as females, this is an area that has been tainted and demonised. It’s about time that we take ownership and embrace it as part of who we are.
“Many older women, especially, have this recording in their head: ‘wanting sex is wrong and sinful, you are a whore.’ This is conceptualised in psychological theory as the Madonna/Whore Complex, where a woman is either pure, holy and nurturing or promiscuous and overly sexualised. In this misogynistic view of female sexuality, sex is not an integral part of a woman’s identity,” she says.
“This idea is shrouded in shame and can hinder a woman from fully exploring her sexuality and enjoying herself. When you have been fed this narrative all your life, your sexual self can remain disconnected. This has to be worked on. Owning your sexuality, being honest and unashamed about what you like, is an integral part of sexual health which is part of general health,” says Anna.
Why women’s libido can drop
Through her 10 years of experience - offering counselling and sex therapy to individuals and couples facing difficulties with sexuality, relationships and intimacy - Anna has seen that this harmful narrative is partly responsible for why women tend to have a lower libido.
But there are other factors.
“Apart from the demands of raising a child, the fact that you have a child stuck to you for most of the day often leads women to feel they don’t want anyone else to touch them.”
“Most couples who come to me come because there is a sexual desire discrepancy - that can happen both ways. While I do not want to generalise, lower sexual desire in women in heterosexual relationships is common. This is due to a mix of religious and cultural factors as well as life changes and biological changes.
“When it comes to the latter, there are the changes brought about by hormones during the menstrual cycle. There is also a lack of sexual desire after childbirth and during motherhood as women feel fatigued.
“Apart from the demands of raising a child, the fact that you have a child stuck to you for most of the day often leads women to feel they don’t want anyone else to touch them. This is also seen in gay couples with one of the partners who is the main caregiver,” she says.
Libido is also affected by biological changes such as menopause and, what many don’t realise, is that oral contraception also can dampen sexual desire.
Sex or connection? Which comes first?
But it’s not all down to hormones, warns Anna. The state of a couple’s relationship plays a key role.
“If the relationship is not going well there is a good possibility that sex goes off the table. When there is boredom or high conflict in relationships sexual intimacy can be affected,” she says.
In couples, another issue that crops up is the different way in which men and women tend to perceive sex.
“Without generalising – women in long-term relationships tend to want to feel the emotional connection first and sexual intimacy comes as a result. She needs to talk it out, communicate and feel safe. Sometimes men feel emotionally connected after sex. At times there is a bit of a disconnect in what men and women need to feel connected with their partner,” she says.
Another thing that impacts the quality of sex between couples can be feelings of not being in the moment.
“I have had women telling me that during sex, in their head they are thinking about what they have to do after. This disrupts a woman’s sexual pleasure. Sex becomes another task, another tick box to strike off the list,” she says.
But sexual issues are not limited to couples who have been together for long.
“The number of young women I see with sexual problems is quite alarming. Issues include low sexual appetite and vaginismus which is the inability to have penetrative sex,” she says.
Pressure to ‘look & play the part’
Then there are social expectations. The social media pressure that causes young girls to diet or resort to cosmetic surgery - such as a nose job or breast enhancement - is even being felt “down there”. Young women are having surgery to arrange the way their vulva looks.
And the social media pressure can continue when it comes to performance in the bedroom where many movies depict perfect women screaming with pleasure.
But the truth is that not all women reach orgasm during sexual activity. Research suggests that there is an orgasm gap between men and women: 95 per cent of heterosexual men orgasm when having sex, 80 per cent of gay women orgasm, but only 65 per cent of heterosexual women.
“The social media pressure that causes young girls to diet or resort to cosmetic surgery - such as a nose job or breast enhancement - is even being felt “down there”. Young women are having surgery to arrange the way their vulva looks.”
Anna explains that, from a biological perspective, there are no major differences between a man and a woman’s orgasm. Both include the contraction of the pelvic floor muscles, a release of hormones, endorphins, and fluids and an intense pleasurable sensation.
The difference in the orgasm experience can be in sexual stimulation and arousal before intercourse, especially in heterosexual couples, she adds. From an anatomical perspective, women need to be aroused through clitoral stimulation first before penetration and if this does not happen, it might be difficult for orgasm to be reached through penetrative sex.
“We are so fixated with penetration over pleasure. If there is not enough foreplay, now called core play, the woman is not aroused enough the reach orgasm. Knowing yourself and embracing this part of yourself is key to good sex and intimate connection,” she says.