Miscarriage matters – Voices of women who experienced a pregnancy loss. Part 2.
Photo by Jordan Bauer on Unsplash
As the government embarks on a consultation process to look into introducing paid miscarriage leave, we heard fertility counsellor Danielle Scerri Azzopardi talk about how this leave is essential. Now let’s hear from some women who lived it. This is the second of a two-part article. You can read the first part here.
Time to heal and grieve - Pauline Borg
I had my miscarriage in 2020 – a year before I had my twins. I was about nine weeks into the pregnancy when I discovered that the pregnancy had stopped. I kind of had a feeling. When the sonographer did the scan, I told her.
Maybe it’s because I’m a midwife and I know that one in five pregnancies can result in an early pregnancy loss – so I was emotionally and mentally prepared for that. But it was still challenging to come to terms with it. I never presented with bleeding or pain - it was a silent miscarriage.
I had two options: to medically or surgically remove the pregnancy from inside my body, or to wait for my body to release it in what is called expectant management. I did not want medical or surgical intervention, so I waited for my body to naturally release the pregnancy – that took about three weeks.
So it happened at 12 weeks - at home. The process started with pain and bleeding and I released the pregnancy at home. I preferred it that way, but not everyone is the same.
Sometimes it takes a long while for the hormones to drop and the pregnancy to be released, which is why women need this time to go through the process – and then to heal physically, emotionally and psychologically.
“Sometimes it takes a long while for the hormones to drop and the pregnancy to be released, which is why women need this time to go through the process – and then to heal physically, emotionally and psychologically.”
I was lucky in a way since, being a midwife, I knew what to expect and I had the support of my midwife friends and my husband. Going back to work, I felt okay about it – I referred myself to the bereavement support midwife, who I know personally.
But even I needed my time to heal and make peace with what happened. This is why I agree with miscarriage leave - both after my personal story and after having cared for women with different stories of miscarriage.
The only thing is that I do not like to use the term ‘miscarriage’ since it suggests something was wrong with the woman’s body and how it carried the pregnancy when, in reality, it is natural in many cases. I prefer the term ‘pregnancy loss’.
In 2017 Pauline, and another three midwives, set up a social movement https://www.positivebirthmalta.com/ to offer support to mothers and parents. In 2024, Positive Birth Malta started offering private midwifery services also.
“I just wanted to curl up and cry” - Janica Farrugia Soldat
I miscarried in the summer of 2015. I was 12 weeks along, and it was my first pregnancy. I was only 22 at the time, so everything was new and scary to me. I had just had a scan one week prior where my gynaecologist told me I should be hearing a heartbeat.
During my visit she acted strangely… she didn't know what to say and then told me: ‘it's too early, I will hear it next time’. By the following week I was bleeding and panicking, not sure what was happening and my gynae was not returning my calls or messages. Now it is clear to me that she saw I miscarried and just did not want to tell me at the time.
I ran to St James [Hospital] and was treated by the late Dr Megally. Although he delivered the worst news of my life, he did it in such a calm way and he clearly felt my pain... I was devastated and did not know what to do with myself. I just wanted to curl up and cry. I was scheduled for a cleaning the following week to "complete" the miscarriage.
“I was devastated and did not know what to do with myself. I just wanted to curl up and cry.”
A few days later, I was at work, because yes, I still had to work and go on normally, when all of a sudden I felt a gush of blood and pain coming. I begged my manager to let me leave, explaining the urgency of the situation, but I was met with a lot of frustration as to: "who is going to cover this 12-hour shift you just started?" I felt terrible and left to Mater Dei Hospital.
There I proceeded to miscarry naturally... the cramps I was having were ever so mild contractions. After it was done, I sat with the nurse and my mum who came as support to help me through it, while another nurse came and - I am not even exaggerating - placed a little cup holding my miscarried fetus sack in it on the table, right in front of me.
I burst out crying and my mother asked them to remove it. I had to go back a few days later to fill some paperwork (thankfully my boss seems to have felt bad for me as he told me to take a few days off, from my vacation hours) and when I reached the ward I was met with rude and busy staff, no one there to help and I ended up just screaming in the middle of the ward corridor saying "can someone please help me so I can put this trauma behind me".
A helpful nurse then came and comforted me and helped me complete my process. I was not informed of any support groups, as apparently, you are only told about this if you miscarry more than once. Neither did I know that a Mass is held frequently for those babies who never made it out of the womb, no form of support or information was provided to me.
I ended up traumatised from this for the longest time and had no idea how to go about life again. I ended up going to therapy and paying for it privately to try and understand why this happened.
“ I strongly believe that a woman who miscarries, no matter what stage she's in, should be allowed some emergency time off to process it all.”
So to answer the question of I agree with the introduction of miscarriage leave, yes, 10000%. The fact that I was only granted time off (from my personal vacation hours) due to pity and that I had to go back to work and pretend everything was normal, was too hard.
I strongly believe that a woman who miscarries, no matter what stage she's in, should be allowed some emergency time off to process it all.
Furthermore, I feel that more support needs to be given to women who miscarry also. Information about support groups, some form of therapeutic check-in, just like they do after giving birth when you get a midwife to come home and check on you.
I don't think people who have never been through a miscarriage can fully understand how painful it is: to feel you have failed, to feel you're not good enough or woman enough to do this, to then be expected to go on with your life normally.
Women need the time and space to grieve that loss... they also need to be able to feel that they can and should talk about it.
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