September: The mummy chat reawakens
Photo by Rodion Kutsaiev on Unsplash
September is a time of change. The sticky weather comes with a breeze that hints to the cooler weather ahead. Summer is ending. School is about to start.
This is the time of year when the dormant mummy chat – that semi-hibernates over the summer – reawakens.
Past, older class chats crawl into the phone’s archives as new chats are born to mirror the new classroom formations.
And as they form, we save the new “mummies” into our phones, together with their child’s name. ‘Lara’, for example, is not simply ‘Lara’ anymore. In the chat, she is rechristened as ‘Lara – Emma’s mum’.
Slowly the group is completed. Mummies (because they are often mummies) start asking each other questions about the upcoming year: where did you get a small wooden ruler from? Who else is doing after-school catechism on Monday? Did anyone hear about the transport routes yet?
Parallel to this come the school emails from the class teacher, head of school, the transport operator (eventually), and catechism. The extracurriculars also re-emerge and bring with them emails and chats.
Our phones go on complete overload. And our minds follow.
Support and reassurance
“Sifting through all the information and thinking about having to do just that, can be exhausting and mind-boggling especially when combined with the various other roles that parents fulfil daily. It can also lead to reduced productivity due to constant interruptions and shifting of contexts,” explains Paulann Grech a senior lecturer within the Department of Mental Health at the University of Malta.
The mummy chats demand attention.
“Multiply that by the number of offspring that you have and it is truly no wonder that many mummies describe this period as a stressful one. The transition from the peaceful slumber of the summer months, to ‘demanding September’ can be synonymous with an icy bucket of water thrown over one’s head, whilst one is sipping warm cocoa in front of a log-burning fire,” she says.
“The parents’ group doubles as a self-led support group that emits psychological reassurance of the ‘we-are-in-this-together-and-here-for-each-other’ type. On the other hand, having to keep up with the different portals can be challenging.”
Paulann adds that the school mummy chats are often associated with ambivalent feelings.
“On the one hand, the various chat portals provide different layers of security because of an element of overlap. For instance, if the school sends an email with instructions, this will be inevitably brought up in the parents’ chat group, where it can also be discussed informally. In this manner, parents have a lower risk of missing out on important information.
“Sometimes, the parents’ group doubles as a self-led support group, which is dubbed as a ‘comfort cocoon’, referring to a place or an aura that emits psychological reassurance of the ‘we-are-in-this-together-and-here-for-each-other’ type. On the other hand, having to keep up with the different portals (and personal life) can be challenging. It can also lead to an unhealthy attachment to the virtual world due to the fear of missing out on important information.”
The stressful side
In fact there are various studies showing that, worldwide, there is a rise in behavioural addiction to social media and the internet. This is an addiction and not a habit because there is a strong urge and people feel unwell – such as anxious – if they don’t check their phone.
There is another dimension – the one brought about by social media in general. The creation of feelings of inadequacy as mummies compare themselves to others and feel they are not coping as well because their crafts are not as pretty or they have no time to make homemade cupcakes for the bake sale.
But, on the whole, the mummy chat is there to support. “It's helpful when we have a last-minute request to send in something and other mummies can help if we don't have the item: like toilet paper rolls (they assume we go through 10 a day) or coloured bottle caps when I don't consume soft drinks,” said one mother.
“A parent who has been away from their phone for 30 minutes and then finds 53 new messages… At first glance, one would think that an asteroid has crashed into the school only to eventually find out that it is all about the upcoming school concert.”
Another said: “One aspect I find helpful is that it really facilitates pooling in for gifts: children’s birthday gifts ahead of class parties as well as gifts for teachers. Also, if you are stuck or unsure about something: you can ask the mummy chat.”
Another mother said that while it helps her a lot, she struggles to keep up. In her words: “It's necessary but can be annoying.”
Paulann elaborates that whilst the informal parents’ group can offer comfort, it can also, at times, trigger mass hysteria (aka incessant phone beeping) without any tangible outcome.
“In this view, communication overload is a realistic risk – it can be visualised as a parent who has been away from their phone for 30 minutes and then finds 53 new messages on the chat and four new school emails waiting for them. At first glance, one would think that an asteroid has crashed into the school only to eventually find out that it is all about the upcoming school concert.”
Mummies united
The mummy chat does not exist alone. It shares its home in our phone with other chats: the work chat, family chat, cousins’ chat, multiple friends chats, play-date chats. Some are equally… chatty.
And as they compete for attention it is easy to mistakenly reply to one chat instead of another or send the message in the wrong group – or make an embarrassing typo.
This happened to one mum whose son goes to an all-boys school.
“I replied to a message on the class chat, which I rarely do. Someone asked till what page of the science book they needed to study for tomorrow and I said: 'all of it vaginally '. My autocorrect changed ‘basically’ to ‘vaginally’... I noticed three hours later.”
These mistakes happen as we try to juggle. Work, life, and the chat-email bombardment. We feel all over the place.
“Of course, there is that dimension to the mummy chat – getting to know new mummies some of whom become friends. And mummies help one another, even outside of the school chat and outside of the school environment as friendships form.”
I like to think of it like looking at your reflection in a calm pool of water. Each beep and notification is a drop. When there are multiple drops dripping into the water at the same time the pool is full of ripples and you can’t see clearly anymore.
One mother said: “I rely on it since I often miss emails and Dojo messages. But I hate the fact that it gets too much. Once I found over 100 unread messages after a day at work. I had to ask for a summary. I do like the fact that it helps to get to know the parents.”
Of course, there is that dimension to the mummy chat – getting to know new mummies some of whom become friends. And mummies help one another, even outside of the school chat and outside of the school environment as friendships form.
Lara finally becomes ‘Lara’. Full stop.
How to control mummy-chat-overload
Paulann Grech says some simple measures may help to limit the pressure and keep anxiety at bay whilst responding to the influx of information effectively.
Turn off certain chat groups’ notifications. You can still check the chats every 15 minutes or so but at least you will have 15 uninterrupted minutes rather than a continuous stream of interruptions.
The same goes for social media notifications. Restricting yourself to a limited daily number of social media checks may be healthier than continuously accessing social media portals.
Communicate wisely and ethically. Being mindful of the need to not overload others may be mutually beneficial. Keeping it short and simple when conveying information is often effective and can reduce the risk of important details ending up buried underneath communication.
Prioritise and ‘single-task’. Whilst in the virtual world, there is a tangible need to react as quickly as possible, not all messages are equal. Prioritisation is the key, with the truly urgent messages getting first and full focus whilst the rest can wait.
As a writer, Paulann Grech is interested in writing about life from a mental health perspective - something she does a lot on her Facebook page