When kids don’t click. An uncomfortable, but normal, truth.
Photo by Evgeniy Gorbenko on Unsplash
We often hear how motherhood changes a woman. Or how it impacts the relationship between a couple.
But other relationships can be transformed by this new role. Friendships are among them.
Motherhood can take friendships to a whole new level. Some pre-motherhood friendships are strengthened when close friends transition into parenthood. Some fade away for a while. Others are formed – or transformed.
This can be for different reasons.
Sometimes it boils down to timing. Two close friends could be in a different phase of life and it comes naturally to drift in different directions dictated by lifestyle and priorities.
Even when it comes to those friends who are moving along parallel paths, life is often so hectic and fast. Staying in touch becomes harder and harder.
And let’s face it, life with kids takes much, much, much more planning. Meeting up with a friend feels like an obstacle course and the first step is getting out of the house. Leaving the house can take an hour.
And when you actually manage to get to the meeting place, and settle down, the next challenge is finishing a sentence in between the countless “mummy look”, “mummy come” and the mini clashes about “he’s not sharing”, “she is cheating” , “I want that”, and “she pulled my hair”.
Which is why when the kids get along and play happily – meeting a friend is a much smoother process.
But sometimes this does not happen. Sometimes, no matter how close the mums are, the kids just don’t click – not all the time, at least. There are cases when they ‘click’ and, eventually, ‘unclick’ - or vice versa. This can lead to very uncomfortable feelings between the corresponding adults.
Question ‘why?’
Counselling psychologist Stephanie Borg Bartolo, a visiting senior lecturer at the University of Malta’s Department of Psychiatry, believes when this happens the first step is to take a step back to try to understand what is happening. Is it them not clicking? Could there be more to it?
“Is this a matter of gelling between friends? Could it be that one of the children’s type of play is more physical or rough? Could they be on different trajectories developmentally?” she says adding that different parenting styles may also play a part.
“If there is conflict, try to encourage the children to work it out on their own. As an adult, it’s best to try to seem impartial and not turn it into a bigger deal. You can ask your child: ‘What can you do about it?’ This promotes problem-solving thinking.” - Stephanie Borg Bartolo
She explains that age makes a big difference as children of different age groups are often interested in different things. Sometimes it’s just a matter of children being children and disagreeing on matters such as what game to play, or on issues such as sharing and cheating during games.
In such cases, she says, it can help to meet on neutral grounds, such as a park, where none of the children can claim the territory with comments such as “it’s my house” or “they are my toys”.
But, no matter how neutral the territory, conflict can still happen. And it is a natural part of life.
“If there is conflict, try to encourage the children to work it out on their own. As an adult, it’s best to try to seem impartial and not turn it into a bigger deal. You can ask your child: ‘What can you do about it?’ This promotes problem-solving thinking,” says Stephanie.
Drawing a line
But there is a line. If a child keeps getting pushed or hit despite their efforts to ‘face the situation’, then it’s time for the parent to step in.
“Say your child really tried and keeps on getting hit. This is where you need to teach resilience. Some things are not okay. You don’t want to keep exposing them to that, especially in some cases when parents don’t correct their child’s behaviour. This is where our children may need us to stick up for them. If they are upset about something, it is not fair to hide behind excuses such as ‘u ijja he did nothing’ or ‘she was just playing’ - unless this is actually the case, of course,” she says as she speaks about the importance of acknowledging that there might be a very valid reason why a child does not want to play with another.
“I would hate someone to force a friendship on me. Just as adults don’t all click, the same applies to children and this can not be forced.”
This is not about blaming one child over another – it’s about accepting a realistic situation and being fair.
“We always need to analyze what’s the reason behind what we’re doing. I would hate someone to force a friendship on me. Just as adults don’t all click, the same applies to children and this can not be forced. We chose our friendships. Sometimes it’s a happy accident that the children of close friends get along really well. Sometimes it does not happen and it’s okay,” she says.
Honesty is best
The focus here is ‘friendship’. And with friendship comes honesty.
“Sometimes all you have to do is be honest with your friend and say: ‘whenever these two meet, there are fireworks’. If every time you meet they ruin the event, then it might be best to meet your friend without kids till they grow up or things calm down,” she says.
“If there is one thing I’ve learnt about true friendships, it’s that they are not measured in time spent together. It is not about how often we meet. It’s about the quality of the relationship and the trust.”
“It might mean lowering expectations and being more flexible about when and how often we meet. This is certainly better than having to navigate screaming and fighting children. When we meet our friends, we crave the time to talk to them and this may lead to us seeing the children’s arguments or tantrums as ‘extra’ – so it’s easy to dismiss children with: ‘it’s fine’ or ‘keep playing’. And this is not fair. So best to carve out the time without the children if need be. As uncomfortable as it is, it is always better to be honest with your friend.”
Stephanie’s words resonate with me.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about true friendships, it’s that they are not measured in time spent together. It is not about how often we meet. It’s about the quality of the relationship and the trust. When it comes to honest friendships, we can go weeks or months without meeting, and it feels like we spoke just yesterday.
And, while meeting up with friends is a challenge when children are around, motherhood has introduced me to amazing new people, some of whom have become friends.
What are your views?
Did you ever experience your child not getting along with the child of a close friend? How did you go about it? You can share your views in the comments below.
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